Friday, March 27, 2009

Coming To A Theater Near You: Junk Cinema Ad Lines

"Beautiful Beyond Words! Awe- Inspiring! Vital! 'The Prince of Peace' Provides The Answer To Our Every Problem! Be Brave--Bring Your Troubles and Your Family to History's Most Sublime Event! You'll Find God--Right In There!"--"The Prince of Peace", which starred members of the Wichita Mountain Pageant and featured one Millard Coody as Jesus.

"SEE a Female Colossus...Her Mountainous Torso, Skyscraper Limbs, Giant Desires!"--"Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman", starring Allison Hayes in the title role.

"Here is Your Chance to Know More About Sex. What Should a Movie Do? Hide Its Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as Does 'The Desperate Women'"--It's hard to argue with the tag line for "The Desperate Women".

"Hoodlums From Another World On A Ray-Gun Rampage!"--"Teenagers from Outer Space", lovingly produced, directed, written, edited, filmed and scored by one Tom Graff who later dubbed himself "Jesus Christ II".

"An Astronaut Went Up--A "Guess What" Came Down! The Picture that Comes Complete with a 10-Foot Tall Monster to Give You the Wim-Wams!"--"Monster a Go-Go", a deeply confusing monster movie
from "The Wizard of Gore" Herschell Gordon Lewis.

"Not For Sissies! Don't Come If Your Chicken! A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters! 1001 Weirdest Scenes Ever! The Most Shocking Thriller of the Century!!"--Ray Dennis Steckler is too modest when describing magnum opus "The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-up Zombies".

"Scenes That Will Stagger Your Sight! Dancing Called Go-Go! Music Called Ju-Ju! Narcotics Called Bangi! Fires of Puberty! See the Burning of a Virgin! See power of Witch Doctor over Women! See Pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!"--"Kwaheri", a mondo documentary that bragged it was better than "a $10,000 vacation".

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