Thursday, April 16, 2009

You Haven't Lived Until You've Seen This Movie: "Zardoz"

  • And now, gentle readers, I wish to acquaint you with one of the weirdest, most warped and possibly the wackiest movies you could ever shake a stick at: "Zardoz"

  • Lovingly conceived, written, produced and directed by the otherwise sane John Boorman (who gave us "Point Blank", "The Emerald Forest" and "Hope and Glory") in 1973, this tale of civilization run-a-muck (circa 2293) features a cast of characters seen nowhere this side of a fever dream. To wit:

  1. "The Brutals", hairy men with little intellect who worship guns and shoot anything that moves. Any similarities to NRA members is probably not a coincidence.

  2. "The Eternals", snippy egg-heads who've given up on sex and procreation because they can't die. They spend their days growing organic veggies and baking bread when they are not torturing those they deem inferior.

  3. "The Renegades", former Eternals voted out of "the community" for various offenses. They are prematurely aged and cursed with senility. Renegades spend their fun-filled days dancing to a jazz combo and fighting among themselves.

  4. "The Apathetics", quasi-zombie off shoots of the Eternals. Slower than the sloths of the rain forest, they simply stare vacantly out into space. How they got this way is never explained, but they are the chief recipients of the Eternals baked goods.

  5. Zed, our hero. He's played by Sean Connery, 007 himself, cavorting in nothing more than a red jockstrap and a Scottish burr. Later he slips into a frilly wedding dress. Honest.

  6. Consuelo, played by Charlotte Rampling. She's one of the snippiest of the Eternals and has trouble keeping her crocheted halter top on. For the life of her, she can't figure out why Zed gets a bulge in his pants whenever she's around.

  7. Zardoz (AKA Arthur), he's a particularly annoying Eternal who's facial hair appears to be inked on by a Sharpie marker. He grandly calls himself "The Puppet Master" and likes to toss out such philosophical bon mots as "Is God in show business too?"