Everybody's A Critic: A Sampler of Rotten Reviews

Imagine you've just completed a long-cherished film project. You wrote it, produced it, directed it, maybe even acted in it. This film is your baby, your cinematic declaration of independence. Then, after the big opening night premiere, you open the newspaper to find not rose petals tossed in your honor, but rotten tomatoes.

For fans of informed viciousness, nothing is more entertaining than reading a hilarious, caustic review. Listed below is just a sampling of the cornucopia of memorable critical brickbats.

• "As uplifting as a whalebone bra--and just as dated."--Arthur Cooper of Newsweek on "Lost Horizon" (1973).

• "Myra Breckinridge' is about as funny as a child molester. It is an insult to intelligence, an affront to sensibility and an abomination to the eye."--Time (1970).

• "The Omen' is certainly all dog from snout to tail."--John Simon, New York (1976).

• "The most godawful piece of pseudo-romantic slop I've ever seen! Even a director who had made no movies would have a hard time making one as bad as this."--Roger Ebert on the Faye Dunaway/Marcello Mastroianni tear jerker "A Place for Lovers" (1969).

• "One of the biggest piles of pretentiousness ever made. Laughlin's once quiet Billy Jack has turned into an unbearably preachy Billy Jerk."--John Barbour in Los Angeles on "The Trial of Billy Jack" (1974).

• "If one must spend the better part of two hours following the adventures of a bird, far better that the hero be Daffy Duck than Jonathan Livingston Seagull."--Jay Cocks in Time on "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" (1973).

• "To criticize it would be like tripping a dwarf."--Wilfrid Sheed passes judgement on "Hurry Sundown" (1967) in Esquire.

• "A flop. Omar Sharif can no more interpret the fiery revolutionary than Elvis Presley could portray Lenin."--Sherwood Ross in Christian Century in "Che!" (1969).

• "Mr. Stallone and Ms. Stone (in) a meeting as disastrous as the Hindenburg crashing into the Titanic."--Caryn James commenting on "The Specialist" (1994) in The New York Times.

• "A trashy, violent action film that will appeal to comic readers, curiosity seekers and prison inmates throughout the land."--Janet Maslin of The New York Times on Pamela Anderson's big screen debut "Barb Wire" (1996).

• "It looks as if it wanted to be 'Basic Instinct', though it winds up more like 'Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS'".--Vincent Canby in The New York Times on Madonna's 1992 fiasco "Body of Evidence."

• "It's offensive on every level I can think of...No, it's not particularly dirty or sexy or anything fun like that, it's just merely, totally, thoroughly disagreeable, like a closet full of smelly underwear."--Peter Buckley in Films and Filming on 1971's "Such Good Friends".

However, the award for The Worst Reviewed Film Ever goes to 1975's "At Long Last Love" written, directed and produced by Peter Bogdanovich. Just imagine how Bogdanovich and his cast of Burt Reynolds, Cybill Sheperd, Madeline Khan and Duilio Del Prete (who?) felt when they read these missives:

• "If this Peter Bogdanovich fiasco were any more of a dog, it would shed."--John Barbour, Los Angeles.

• "Sitting through this movie is like having someone at a fancy Parisian restaurant who neither speaks nor reads French read out stentoriously the entire long menu in his best Arkansas accent, occasionally interrupting himself to chortle at his cleverness."--John Simon, Esquire.

• "Staring Cybill Shepard and Burt Reynolds, who have, between them, four left feet and who sing with the gallantry that reminds me of small children taking their first solo swim across the deep end."--Vincent Canby, The New York Times.

• "In dancing (the stars) resemble a troop of hikers trying to extinguish a campfire."--Jay Cocks, Time.

• "(Cybill Sheperd's) singing voice, which is as sing-songy as her speaking voice, causes one to yearn for the days when Marni Nixon dubbed in the songs of every tone-deaf Hollywood leading lady. As for Sheperd's dancing, the best to be said is that it may not be recognizable as such: when this horsey ex-model starts prancing around, she tends to look as if she's fighting off a case of the trots."--Frank Rich, New Times.

• "Burt Reynolds sings like Dean Martin with adenoids and dances like a drunk killing cockroaches."--John Barbour, Los Angeles.

Considering these reviews, is it any wonder that "At Long Last Love" has yet to be released on either VHS or DVD? Or that Bogdanovich's career, which includes such films as "The Last Picture Show", "Paper Moon" and "What's Up, Doc?", has never recovered? Perhaps star Burt Reynolds sumed it up best: "I think we bombed!"

The Junk Drawer: Spotlight on Mystery Science Theater 3000

Once upon a time, there was a TV station called KTMA. With a programming diet consisting mainly of reruns, commercials and wrestling reviews, their ratings were not exactly going through the roof. If KTMA was going to stay on the air, it was going to need a injection of fresh ideas. But where would those ideas come from? And who would provide them? Just when things seemed to be at their bleakest, however, a hero arrived.

His name was Joel Hodgson. An established writer and stand-up comic, Joel proposed a series centered around the worst movies ever made. However, instead of just showing the films, he added a unique twist: feature an audience that would provide a running commentary of witty put downs, wise cracks, quips and insults. Intrigued by the proposal, the powers at KTMA decided to give Joel's idea a chance.

Of such humble beginnings a classic was born.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" ran for a year on KTMA, developing a loyal following almost immediately. In 1989 it was picked up by Comedy Central. "MST3K" (as it is known in shorthand) was a critical and commercial hit, garnering legions of devoted fans (this writer included) who proudly dubbed themselves "Mysties". Besides being laugh-out-loud funny, "MST3K" introduced a whole new generation to the joys of junk cinema while celebrating the dubious talents of Coleman Francis, Beverly Garland, Ed Wood and Roger Corman.

The basic premise of "MST3K" was as follows: Joel Robinson (Hodgson), the janitor at Gizmonics Institute, is shot into space by Dr. Clayton Forrester (Trace Beaulieu) an evil (but inept) mad scientist. Assisted by his devoted (but inept) sidekick TV's Frank (Frank Conniff), "The Mads" forced Joel to watch cheesy movies while they monitored his mind. Helping Joel riff on the flicks were robot pals Crow T. Robot (voiced by Beaulieu) and Tom Servo (voiced by Kevin Murphy). Running the higher functions of the Satellite of Love (where Joel and company are marooned) is Gypsy (voiced by Jim Mallon) and shooting the show was the little seen Cambot.

When Joel and the 'bots weren't heckling such films as "Warrior of the Lost World" (which starred "that 'Paper Chase' guy"), "Teenage Caveman" and "Attack of the Eye Creatures", they put on clever skits and sang such original ditties as "My Wild Irish Ireland" (praising the "Alien from L.A." star Kathy Ireland), "The Creepy Girl" (Tom Servo's crush from "Catalina Caper") and "Clowns in the Sky". Another key element were the "Invention Exchanges" that took place between the Mads in Deep 13 (their lair) and Joel. These included such handy items as "The Junk Drawer Organizer", a karaoke machine that played only public domain songs (like the "impish 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star'"), "The Rat Pack Chess Set" (with Sinatra, naturally, as king) and a "Do-It-Yourself Fabio Kit".

But the cornerstone of "MST3K" was its smart, funny writing. A typical episode featured thousands of jokes, which ranged from put downs ("This has more pauses than a Pinter play!") to pithy one-liners ("Here's Speedy Delivery Guy and has he got a package!") to pop culture references and spot-on vocal impersonations. Along the way, "MST3K" popularized such catch phrases as "Hi-keeba!" (uttered by Wendell Corey in "Women of the Prehistoric Planet"), "Oh, bite me, it's fun" and "They're on a collision course to wackiness!"

After 5 years at "MST3K"s helm, Joel Hodgson stepped down to pursue other projects. In his place was "MST3K"s head writer Michael J. Nelson. Often when a beloved star leaves a series, the quality and popularity of a show is seriously compromised, sometimes fatally. But Nelson easily slipped into his role as temp worker Mike, shot into space after Joel escaped (with Gypsy's help) in an escape pod labeled "Hamdingers". Also working in Nelson's favor was the fact that "MST3K" fans already knew him from such choice cameo bit as Morrissy, Torgo and Steve Reeves.

"MST3K" would go on for another five years, but the departures of Beaulieu and Conniff and a move to the SciFi channel weakened it a bit. In 1999, the movie sign went off for good, saddening Mysties everywhere.

Fortunately, "MST3K" lives on in VHS and DVD form. There is also their big screen feature film "Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie" which earned a coveted "Two Thumbs Up" from Siskel and Ebert. For a more detailed look at "MST3K", there is The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide written by the show's performers and writers. My own personal copy of this book is dog-eared from use.

Gone, but certainly never forgotten, "MST3K" is a wonderful reminder that originality and creativity can still flourish on television. Or, to quote, Ruskin, "When love and skill work together expect a masterpiece."

The Junk Drawer: Spotlight on Mystery Science Theater 3000

Once upon a time, there was a TV station called KTMA. With a programming diet consisting of mainly reruns, commercials and wrestling shows, their ratings were not exactly going through the roof. If KTMA was going to stay on the air, it was going to need an injection of fresh ideas. But where would those ideas come from? And who would provide them? Just when things seemed to be at their bleakest, a hero arrived.

His name was Joel Hodgson. An established writer and stand-up comic, Joel proposed a series centered around the worst movies ever made. But instead of just showing the films, he added a unique twist: feature a captive audience that would provide a steady stream of witty put-downs, wise cracks, ad-libs and insults while the films were being screened. The powers at KTMA decided to give Joel's idea a shot.

Of such humble beginnings a classic was born.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" debuted on Comedy Central after running a year at KTMA in 1989. It was both a critical and commercial hit, garnering legions of devoted fans (this writer among them) who proudly call themselves "Mysties". It introduced a whole new generation to the joys of junk cinema while celebrating the dubious talents of Coleman Francis, Beverly Garland and Ed Wood.

The basic premise of "MST3K" (as its known in short hand) was as follows: Joel Robinson (Hodgson), the janitor of Gizmonics Institute, is shot into space by Dr. Clayton Forrester (Trace Beaulieu), an evil (but inept) mad scientist. Assisted by his devoted (but inept) sidekick TV's Frank (Frank Conniff), "the mads" force Joel to watch cheesey movies while they monitor his mind. Helping Joel out in the riffing chores were robot pals Crow T. Robot (voiced by Beaulieu) and Tom Servo (voiced by Kevin Murphy). Running the higher functions of the Satellite of Love (where Joel and company are marooned) is Gypsy (voiced by Jim Mallon), a sweet, gentle soul who happens to be the world's greatest Richard Basehart fan. Shooting the show is the little seen Cambot.

When Joel and the 'bots weren't heckling such films as "Warrior of the Lost World", "Teenage Caveman" and "Attack of the Eye Creatures", they put on clever skits or sang original songs like "My Wild Irish Ireland" (which celebrated the "Alien from L.A." star Kathy Ireland), "The Creepy Girl Song" (Tom's crush from "Catalina Caper") and "Clowns in the Sky".

Another prize element of "MST3K" were the "Invention Exchanges" that took place between the mads in Deep 13 (their lair) and Joel. These included such handy items as The Junk Drawer Organizer, a karaoke machine that plays nothing but public domain songs, A Rat Pack Chess Set (with Sinatra as king, of course) and a Do-It-Yourself Fabio kit.