Friday, March 9, 2012

How Do You Rate on the Rush Limbaugh Slut-O-Meter?

Hello to you and yours, movie lovers! Today I would like to take a break from dissecting and discussing the many joys of Junk Cinema--Adam Sandlar is up for a record breaking 11 Razzie Awards! Can you believe it?!--and talk a bit about sluts.

Or rather, what one man believes qualifies a female as a slut.

As you probably know, conservative talk-show host and professional jabberjaw Rush Limbaugh went off on Georgetown University law student Sandra Fluke, who testified before an informal congressional hearing about why health care plans need to include coverage for contraceptives.

Her argument was that because birth control pills can be expensive and doctors proscribe them for a variety of reasons besides pregnancy prevention, covering them on health care plans is only common sense.

But according to Rush--who has been married 4 times, has no children and is a dedicated Viagra user-- this gal was asking Congress "to pay her to have sex" and was thus a "slut" and a "prostitute". What's more, in return for birth control coverage Rush demanded Fluke and all those other "feminazies" to post their sexual encounters on-line so taxpayers could "see what they were paying for."

Well, the outrage over Rush's remarks caused ten advertisers (and counting) to leave his program and he was condemned even by GOP fixtures who usually cow-tow to his every utterance. Mr. Limbaugh later, sorta, kinda apologized to Sandra Fluke and then went on to talk about "personal responsibility", potty mouth rappers and how liberals made him have his now famous snit-fit.

As off the wall and insulting as Rush's remarks were, they never the less got me to thinking. If this four-times married Viagra user believes he has the moral superiority to pass judgement like The Lord High Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition, how would several prominent Conservative standard barriers stand up under Rush's definition of "slut", as applied to Ms. Fluke and other females of the lady gender?

Let's see, shall we?

May I introduce to you The Rush Limbaugh Slut-O-Meter, the easy and fun way to determine if a female of the lady gender is a slut!

First, we need to define what a "slut" is according to Rush Limbaugh. This can be answered with four easy questions:

1) Has the female in question participated in premarital sex?

2) Did the female in question ever use birth control?

3) Did the female in question have any out-of-wedlock births or present a bouncing baby suspiciously early after getting married?

4) Did the female "take responsibility" for their actions?

Now that we have established the necessary criteria for slutdom, let's put forth a couple of names and see how they rate on the Slut-O-Meter. And away we go!

Nancy Reagan: She Just Said No...But Not To Ronnie

Nancy Reagan, the wife of GOP "saint" Ronald Reagan, was a contract player at MGM studios appearing in B-movie stuff like "Donovan's Brain" when the director Mervyn LeRoy introduced her to the Gipper in 1949. Although Nancy in her autobiography My Turn described her meeting with the Screen Actor's Guild President as love at first sight for her, Reagan was in no hurry to get hitched. Nancy explained that Ronnie had been "badly burned" in his first marriage to Oscar winner (and future "Falcon Crest" star) Jane Wyman and was seeing other gals when they began dating ("I was just one girl among many", she recalled). However, all that changed in 1952 when Ron and Nancy officially tied the knot--and the new Mrs. Reagan quickly produced daughter Patti (who wrote several nasty books about mom) six months later (a fact she also 'fessed up to in her autobiography).

So how does the former First Lady rank on Rush's Slut-O-Meter?

1) Did she have premarital sex? Yes.

2) Did she use birth control? Probably not. Birth control was illegal (even for married couples) until 1965 and it doesn't appear Nancy, who was pregnant at her wedding, just said no to Ronnie's advances. It's also unclear if Ron took advantage of the "free condoms" Rush believes are so readily available or if he just said no, too.Considering Patti's early arrival, the Reagans did indeed indulge in some premarital hanky-panky.

3)Did she have an out-of-wedlock baby or suspiciously early birth? Yes she did. (See daughter Patti).

4) Did she "take responsibility" for her actions? Yes. Nancy and Ron happily married, but their marriage did start "under the gun", so to speak.

Is Nancy Reagan a slut? With a ranking of  3 out of 4, Nancy does qualify as a slut in Rush Limbaugh's world view.

Callista Gingrich: She's Open To Anything

The third Mrs. Gingrich was a Capitol Hill intern when she began dating Newt--who was already married to wife #2 Marianne at the time. This affair went undetected for six blissful years until Newt decided to ask Marianne if she'd consider an "open marriage": she as the legal spouse and Callista as his piece on the side. Although Marianne objected to this arrangement ("That's not marriage," she said in her "20/20" interview), Callista was apparently OK with it (or as Newt put it, "Callista doesn't care what I do"). The Gingrichs eventually divorced and the platinum haired Callista became wife #3. Newt later became a Catholic.

So how does the current Mrs. Gingrich rate on Rush's Slut-O-Meter?

1) Did she have premarital sex? Most likely but we can't say for sure.

2) Did she use birth control? Most likely. This assumption is based on the fact that Callista did not present Newt with a "surprise baby" during their six year affair. Most likely the third Mrs. G was on something, because an out-of-wedlock tyke would have been a serious blow to Newt's conservative image. Of course, if Callista wasn't practicing protection, there is every reason to believe that Newt (who has two daughters) was. 

3) Did she have an out-of-wed-lock baby or a suspiciously early birth? No.

4) Did she "take responsibility" for her actions? Hard to say. Newt did divorce wife #2, but it's unclear if he did so in order to make Callista an "honest woman" or to make good on her promise "to help make me president". Callista has been silent on this issue, which is probably smart.

Does all this make Callista Gingrich a slut? For (most likely) sleeping with a married man, for most likely using birth control against the dictates of her church and for marrying a fellow with an unseemly track record of dumping his wives when they experience serious health problems, the Rush Limbaugh Slut-O-Meter gives Callista a Yes! vote.

Bristol Palin: Tripping All Over Herself

The eldest daughter of former Alaska governor/GOP VP candidate/Fox News talking head Sarah Palin was a high school senior when it was announced she and drop-out/hockey player boyfriend  Levi Johnston were engaged and expecting a baby.

The happy couple never made it to the alter. They also offered vastly different versions of how their named-cursed son Tripp came into the world. Bristol, in her autobiography Not Afraid of Life, admits she lied to her parents and went on an over night, co-ed camping trip where she proceeded to get bombed on wine coolers. Palin admitted she was on birth control pills for cramps, but she didn't always follow the directions correctly. Furthermore, she sorta, kinda, maybe suggested that Levi took advantage of her inebriated state, but backed off any assertions that he assaulted her. Levi, on the other hand, claimed in his autobiography Deer in the Headlights that he and Bristol were fooling around for quite a while and Mama Grizzly Sarah knew all about it.

After the birth of her son, Bristol became a "Teen Ambassador" for the Candies Foundation and a paid speaker stumping for abstinence, even though she had initially stated that abstinence wasn't a "realistic option" in a Fox News interview. Levi, meanwhile, posed for Playgirl magazine and tried with little success to start an acting career.

And how would the Rush Limbaugh Slut-O-Meter grade Miss Palin? Let's find out...

1) Did she have premarital sex? Yes she did, although how much premarital sex Bristol engaged in is not clear (you can get pregnant on the first try, after all).

2) Did she use birth control? Yes she did, but Bristol also admitted she didn't follow the directions carefully, which undermines its effectiveness.

3) Did she have an out-of-wedlock baby or a suspiciously early birth? See son Tripp.

4) Did she "take responsibility" for her actions? It's hard to say. Yes, Bristol had her baby, but a teenager having a baby is nothing to celebrate. She speaks out for abstinence education, but she's getting paid for it. As most of her speeches are given behind closed doors, it's hard to tell how effective a speaker Bristol is.

So how does Bristol rate on Rush's Slut-O-Meter?

If she were not the daughter of Sarah Palin, there is no doubt Rush would brand Bristol a slut in no time flat. However, Rush is a Palin fan and would surely cut the kid some slack for being, well, a dumb kid. And dumb kids cross party lines. Therefore Miss Palin can take comfort that Mr. Limbaugh would never cast nasty aspersions on her character--although he's perfectly happy to slime everybody else. Therefore, rest easy Bristol, and good luck with your new reality show!

Adelia Elmer Robertson: Here's to You, Mrs. Robertson

Back in 1988, televangelist and "700 Club" founder Pat Robertson decided to run for president. Things seemed to be going OK until it was revealed that Pat and wife Adelia couldn't quite agree when their wedding anniversary was.That's because the future Mrs.R was pregnant at her nuptials and would deliver their first child a mere ten weeks after everything was legal. For the record, Pat said he and "Dede" always considered their son's birthday their proper anniversary.

Folks know Mr. Robertson holds very conservative views, especially on sex. Therefore it was quite a shock to learn he and the Mrs. had not only dallied before making it legal, but waited so long before making it legal (Ron and Nancy walked down the aisle before she "showed", after all). And how does this ultimately effect Dede Robertson on the Rush Limbaugh Slut-O-Meter?

Hold on a second! Instead of putting poor Dede through the wringer, I have a nutty idea: let's see how Pat rates on Rush's Slut-O-Meter!

1) Did he have premarital sex? You bet!

2) Did he use birth control? My guess is no.

3) Did he father an out-of-wedlock baby or father a suspiciously "early" baby once he married? Yes he did.

4) Did he "take responsibility" for his actions? Eventually. After all, Dede had to wait until ten weeks before her due date to become a married lady, which must have been a real nail biter for her. You have to wonder why groom Pat put her through all of that. They are still together, so everything worked out in the end.

And Pat Robertson's ranking on Rush's Slut-O-Meter? Slut, slut, slut, slut, slut!

Shame on you, Pat, for taking advantage of a young woman's virtue, shaming her with an out-of-wedlock pregnancy and then making her wait until the last possible second to get hitched. Then she had to stand by while you blamed devil worship for the Haitian earthquake, the ACLU for 9/11 and said feminism caused women to leave their husbands, kill their children and become communist lesbians. No wonder your mother-in-law didn't like you.