Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Giving Adam Sandller The (Golden) Raspberry

Howdy-do and welcome, movie lovers. If  you are a bad movie fan--and, really, who isn't?--you no doubt held your breathe awaiting the awarding of The Golden Raspberry Awards. Sure, there was that other awards show playing havoc with the TV schedule, but who cares about them? For the lover of cinematic sinkholes, the Golden Raspberries are the highlight of the movie year.

To the surprise of nobody, "Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2" received awards for Worst Picture, Actress and Supporting Actor. However, the real buzz this year was the crowning of Adam Sandler as Worst Actor for "That's My Boy", yet another witless, gross-out "comedy" where the "SNL" alum proved he was about as funny as suppressed memories of war atrocities. This is the second year in a row Sandler was given the Worst Actor basket of berries; last year he swept the Razzies with a record 10 wins for his big screen fiasco "Jack and Jill".

When Sandler won all those Razzies, it moved me to write the poem Adam Sandler, Will You Please Go Now! It was inspired by the Dr. Seuss book Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Go Now! and I published it on my web page www.JunkCinema.com. In light of Adam's back-to-back wins, I have decided to reprint it here.

Adam Sandler, Will You Please Go Now!

There once was a fellow named Adam,
Who fancied himself quite funny.
He made one wretched film after another,
Yet they always made plenty of money.

This streak went on for the longest of times,
With titles like "The Water Boy", "Big Daddy" and "Anger Management."
Then Adam released "Jack and Jill"
Which caused all who saw it vile torment.

The film was offensive, stupid and dumb;
With no wit or brains to be found.
Not even Pacino, the great Al himself,
Could save this dog from the pound.

"Jack and Jill"s failure proves once and for all
That Adam Sandler is needed no more.
He must gather his things, pick up his coat
And promptly be shown out the door.

Adam Sandler, will you please go now?

We don't care if you take a cab.
We don't care if you take the bus.
Just go on your way, and promise to stay,
As far as you can from us.

As an actor, you are one note.
As a writer, you're lacking in wit.
As a director you have no finesse.
So it's well past the time that you quit.

Your humor is strikingly juvenile.
Your characters are boorish and crude.
You're obsessed with things all scatological.
And the result is films scathingly reviewed.

Adam Sandler, will you please go NOW!

Take a hike, if you will.
Hop on a bike, better still.
Just stop making movies
For you haven't the skill!

David Lean was the master
Of epics of grandeur.
Billy Wilder was witty and urbane.
John Ford filmed in places
With wide open spaces
But YOUR films cause nothing but pain!


Catch a plane!
Paddle a canoe!
Ride a donkey!
Saddle a gnu!

Just go on your way
And never come back.
Quit making movies,
For talent you lack!

Buster Keaton you certainly are not.
Charlie Chaplin? Perish the thought. 
Harold Lloyd you never could top.
So do us a favor and stop, stop, stop!

Once and for all Adam
Go on your way.
You're tacky and gross--unfunny to boot.
I am fed up with your shtick
And I will not stay mute.

From the highest of peaks,
From the depths of the sea,
If you love classic movies
Please join in with me:



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