Saturday, August 24, 2013

Holy Casting Chaos! Ben Affleck Is The New Batman?!

Greetings, movie lovers. Boy, the world situation sure is a mess, isn't it? Syria's civil war is nearly 3 years old and might now involve chemical weapons. Egypt is in shreds. Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan are all disaster areas. Spain, Greece and Portugal are sinking under a combination of debt and unemployment. In the US, members of Congress vow to shut down the government over health care reform. In my own beloved Portland, Oregon, Moda Health (formerly ODS) sees fit to raise their premiums yet again, but apparently found $40 million just lying around and decided to use it to change the Rose Garden to the Moda Center!

And then came the most earth shattering news of all: that Ben Affleck will be taking over the role of Batman from Christian Bale. It is this piece of information that has sent a significant portion of the world's populace into a frenzy. Forget war, forest fires, government shut-downs and climate change! The star of "Gigli" is going to be Batman!

Sorry, folks, but not being a fan of Batman myself, I can't get too worked over this. However, I do want to offer some comfort to those fans of the franchise who are hurting. Thus, while Ben Affleck might not be the ideal choice to play The Dark Knight, it could have been worse. Here below is a list of people the producers of the upcoming flick could have chosen to inhabit stately Wayne Manor, but, blessedly for all, did not:

Justin Bieber

Justin Timberlake

One of the Jonas Brothers

One of the guys from One Direction

"The Situation"

Levi Johnston

Charlie Sheen

Ashton Kutchner

Tom Cruise

Any member of the Kardashian family, male or female

Robin Thicke

Any of the bachelors from both "The Bachelor" and "The Bachlorette"

Any of the male winners from "Dancing With The Stars"

Tim Tebow

Ryan Lochte


Val Kilmer

George Clooney

Any cast member from "Duck Dynasty"

Simon Cowell

Ryan Seacrest

Carrot Top

John Tesh


Prince Harry

Tom Arnold

Adam Sandler


Donald Trump

Tucker Carlson

Dennis Rodman

Any one of these individuals would make an INFINITELY worse Caped Crusader than Mr. Affleck. But still, try not to despair. Studio heads worried about entrusting a British stage actress with the lead role in "Gone With The Wind", but things turned out fine in the end. Likewise, a little known Dutch dancer with only modest credits named Audrey Hepburn wowed 'em in her first major role in "Roman Holiday". And let's not forget, if the producers had had their way Ronald Reagan would have had the lead in a movie titled "Everybody Goes To Rick's". Instead, the part went to Humphrey Bogart and the flick was retitled "Casablanca".

As Alfred Hitchcock was fond of saying, "It's only a movie."

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