Monday, July 28, 2014

Fly Me To "Project Moonbase"

Now boarding for "Project Moonbase"(1953)!

Ah, greetings and salutations, movie lovers.

The subject of today's discourse takes place in the future (1970, to be exact) and features a female person of the lady sex in charge of an important mission to the moon.

We've come a long way, baby?

Well, not quite.

See, the flick which showcases our ground-breaking female boss heroine--"Project Moonbase" (1953)--also takes every opportunity it can to belittle its protagonist, making it clear that lady persons have no place in the space race.

Col. Briteis  (Donna Martell) reports for duty. All the men at SPACOM insist on calling her "Col. Bright Eyes".

This premise might be easier to tolerate if the men in "Project Moonbase" weren't A) a total dinks, B) pompous jerks or C) total dinks who are also pompous jerks
The fun begins when we learn SPACOM, which runs our space program, is preparing an important mission to the moon. This vitally important mission is being organized by one Gen. "Pappy" Greene, played with irritating smugness by Hayden Rorke of "I Dream of Jeannie" fame

Little does the general know, a team of super crafty spies are planning to sabotage the operation.
Why? The movie never says. We are also kept in the dark as to who these spies are (Commies? Maoists? Freelance Anarchists?) and who they are in bed with (SMERSH? K.A.O.S? F.O.W.L? SPECTRE? Z.O.W.I.E?).

Never the less, these meanies are a dapper, highly organized bunch who wear three-piece suits and operate out of a tastefully furnished high rise. Their evil plan to sabotage the moon mission involves replacing one of SPACOM's space cadets with a double.

How will they do this? Well, first, they tap into SPACOM's phones and learn one Dr. Wernher (Larry Johns) will be tagging along. Next, the baddies open their meticulously kept files and pull out the composite card of an operative who looks just like Dr. Wernher! Finally, they kidnap the real Dr. and replace him with the fake one! The whole thing takes about 10 minutes.

The sophisticated baddies in "Project Moonbase" easily get their man

Frankly, I was impressed.

Meanwhile, over at SPACOM, we learn that Maj. Bill Moore (Ross Ford) has been assigned as second-in-command to Col. Briteis (Donna Mitchell)--much to his chagrin. See, Bill use to think Col. "Bright Eyes" (as all the men insist on calling her) was "a good kid" until she started getting promoted and stuff; then he soured on her. However, it's clear that Maj. Moore is simply miffed that a chick out ranks him.

Unfortunately, the other brass at SPACOM are even less evolved. Gen. Greene is especially nasty. He flatly tells Col. Briteis that "if (Maj. Moore) had weighed 90 pounds instead of 180, he'd be a colonel and a public hero!" Then the general tells Briteis to "pipe down!" and "shut up!" while accuses her of being "too big for her britches".

When the female colonel stands up for herself, Gen Greene gets ever madder, barking, "One, colonels don't say 'no' to generals! Two, you're not super woman, you're a spoiled brat! Three, anymore guff out of you and I'll turn you over my knee and spank you!"--all of which makes Gen. Greene even more of a hysterical sexist pig than Rush Limbaugh (quite a feat when you think about it).

After that little vignette, Briteis, Moore and the fake Dr. Wernher prepare for blast-off. They slip into their official SPACOM space wear, which consist of  Izod t-shirts, short-shorts and Ugg boots, topped off by a swim cap. This makes the astronauts appear less like experienced space travelers and more like the senior staff at Camp Kok-A-Mungah. The interior of their space ship, meanwhile, includes elevated lawn chairs and lots of flashing buttons.

Our space cadets settle down for their space flight.

Whizzing through space, Maj. Moore begins to suspect that Dr. W is a fake: he claims to be from Brooklyn, yet has never heard of the Brooklyn Dodgers! A fight soon breaks out and Col Briteis is conked out cold and the ship heads off course. The colonel decides they must land on the moon, which seems sensible enough, except they haven't packed enough provisions and could starve to death before help arrives. Oh, and they have lost radio contact with HQ.

Faced with these upsets, Col. Briteis goes "all female"; in other words, she becomes a teary, jittery mess, wailing to Maj. Moore, "Bill, I muffed it!" Seeing the colonel revert to Helpless Female 101, Moore urges his superior to "take it easy" and to "go powder your nose" while he, Mr. Manly Man, takes over.

Resuming radio contact with SPACOM, Gen. Greene is glad the crew landed safely on the moon and apprehended the spy (who later dies, but don't worry about it). Supplies, meanwhile, will soon be on their way. However, SPACOM won't be able to rescue the astronauts for a couple of months; something about logistics.

However, there is a larger problem brewing.

Because Maj. Moore is a boy and Col. Briteis is a girl and both are single and they are on the moon with out a proper chaperone, SPACOM is worried, very worried, about...appearances. After all, how many data checks can two astronauts run before they start getting bored and lonely...and horny? And what about the folks back on Earth? How can the parents of America tell their kids with a straight face that a man and a woman who are unrelated can live on the moon and nothing fishy is going to transpire? After all, SPACOM doesn't want to be seen as promoting "free love"! This is the space program, not "Temptation Island"!
He's a smug big lug: Hayden Roarke as General Greene.

Besides, the President of the United States has gotten wind of the situation and is demanding our two space cadets get married--pronto!

If this sounds nutty (and it is), you won't believe what happens next: Col. Briteis agrees to marry Maj. Moore--but not before he's promoted to Brigadier General!! After all, a wife can't out rank her husband, can she?

Thus, "Project Moonbase" ends with Briteis and Moore getting hitched. Gen. Greene even stands in for the bride's father at HQ. Our happy (space) campers then have a big fat smooch before the President of the United States--an elderly woman with pearls--beams them a "congratulations from the White House" message.

All's well that ends well?

I bet once SPACOM gets the lead out and Briteis and Moore get back to terra firma, their first order of business will be to head over to Nevada and get a quickie divorce--especially if their petition for an annulment is denied. After all, you can't expect a shot-gun marriage to last when one of the participants (i.e. Bill) is a dink.

Col.Briteis and Maj. Moore's touching wedding photo.

To say "Project Moonbase" is sexist is like saying Nancy Grace gets a bit shrill at times.

The message of the film seems to be that in the future women will assume positions of authority, but once they assume those positions, they will completely muck them up because, well, they are women, so maybe women shouldn't assume positions of authority in the first place.

Or something like that.

However, when you factor in the cheesy sets (borrowed from "Cat Women of the Moon", also released in 1953), the goofy costumes (Ugg boots, really?) and the hysterical acting in addition to "Project Moonbase"s anti-woman bias, you have one weird, wild, warped, wacky flick.

In short, a perfect example of Junk Cinema at its finest!

The female president of the United States congratulates our heroes on their forced marriage in space.
Until next time, save the movies!

P.S. If you are a fan of '60's spy movies, you probably recognized that SMERSH and SPECTRE are from James Bond; K.A.O.S is from "Get Smart"; F.O.W.L is from Darkwing Duck and Z.O.W.I.E is from the "Our Man Flint" movies.

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